i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
