i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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