Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
