I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
