Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
