i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
