How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
