broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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