I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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