There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
