Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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