The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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