New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm really busy with my period
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