Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
