It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
