I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
