I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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