What did we do last night that was yellow?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Less talking, more tequila
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I stole a fireplace last night.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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