so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
