I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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