so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
