You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
me + whiskey = a bad person
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
