I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
