I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
