Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
