She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
