Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
