Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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