Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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