I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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