dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
