She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
