Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
