He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My dick has a subreddit
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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