apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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