Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I've blown a few things in my day
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
