At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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