YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
