This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
