Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My vagina is officially offended.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
