You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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