Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I can't turn off my feet"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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