girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
