What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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