Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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