I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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