Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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