Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
