Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
