craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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