I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
